Today is the 10 year anniversary of when my father lost his battle to cancer. I seemed to have come full circle because the manager I was working with at the time is now who I report to after several years apart. For some reason this year it has been harder than in years past. I always get a little down around Christmas simply because I can’t help but think about that last Christmas with him.
We all wanted it to be fun and happy. It was anything but. Mainly due to the guy I was involved with whom I couldn’t see for who he was but my family and friends did. My involvement with him just heightened my father’s fear and/or worry about whether I would be ok or not. No amount of assurance by me or others who promised to look out for me could alleviate that for him. I eventually woke up and have always hoped he somehow knew I did.
I was lucky in that I was able to see my father before he died my brother was not as lucky. Those days after were such a whirl wind that I truly don’t remember much. I do remember not really being able to mourn my dad. The guy and I lived together and he didn’t want me to cry there at least not while he was present. Now I mourn whenever the mood strikes me like now as I write this.
My family and friends are still here to look out for me but there is always something missing. Everyone has an anchor, that one person who has the ability to ground you when things are haywire. When it is lost the search to fill that void is illusive. Maybe one day I will be lucky to find it again. We love and miss you dad!
